Toilet Rolls, Panty Liners, and Conspiracy

The first two weeks in Whyalla have flown by. Ern has been a busy bee between clients and writing and being a beast of a househusband. Daph has been very busy at the hospital... with ACTUAL midwifery work! Maybe it was the full moon and Friday the thirteenth all in the same week, but there has been a welcome influx of pregnant ladies.

This week Daph has looked after three labouring women, four postnatal women, and a multitude of antenatal cases, with one transfer out to a high-care facility. And Daph has been taught how to do the baby hearing checks. Learning new things excites Daph.

AND... Daph finally got to catch a baby! But more exciting than this was the thank you present that she received from the couple...

A SIX PACK OF TOILET ROLLS!!

Daph and Ern have not been able to buy toilet rolls since they arrived and have been on rations all week, having to resort to buying kitchen rolls instead. This is far less pleasant on your bottom than the delights of three-ply quilted softness. So, in this crazy-arse world right now, when toilet roll is the gold dust of the present time, this is the best gift ever!

Be sensible people. If you’re going to be quarantined, it’s unlikely to be a lifetime supply of toilet paper that’s going to nurse you back to health. If you’re young and healthy, with no pre-existing conditions, then you’re probably not going to die. And even if you were, toilet paper is not going to save you!

Feed your body with good stuff. Boost your immune system. Stay healthy. Practise good personal hygiene. And stop stressing about whether you’re going to have enough toilet paper to wipe your arse with! Because the stress of the situation is more likely to be detrimental to your health than the virus. Stress lowers your immune system, people. True story!

Daph wonders why it isn’t chicken soup that’s in high demand. That’s what she would stock up on if she was going to be cooped up in bed with flu-like symptoms.

***

Sundays are the usual grocery shopping day for Daph and Ern. This week we were a tad hesitant, with all the ridiculousness that’s going on in the media. We were expecting mass hysteria and scenes equivalent to the Boxing Day sales, but pulling up in the car park, it was empty.

Bumping into one of Daph’s work colleagues inside the grocery store, we mentioned how pleasantly quiet it was. The bemused colleague stated,

“Oh gosh! This is busy! I’ve never seen it this busy on a Sunday.”

There were approximately thirty people in the store. Ahhhhh. Rural Australia.

Of course, we went straight to the toilet rolls. Supply was low, but we did manage to get some. Ern was worried we might not be able to get our usual weekly supply of organic frozen berries. We really do need four packs of berries for a week’s worth of smoothies, but it might be deemed outside the acceptable quota. There was no need to worry. Here in Whyalla, there is an abundance of all things healthy, like fruit and vegetables... the things you actually need to boost your immune system and protect you from viruses. Even so, we bought frozen vegetables too, not a usual staple item for us. We decided to stock up just in case the general public got on the healthy-eating-keeps-you-healthy bandwagon next week. It seems Daph and Ern have been roped in after all.

It’s funny how an everyday normal thing like grocery shopping can make you feel like a criminal because of the media frenzy. Everyone eyes you up and checks what you have in your trolley in case you’re ahead of the game and know what the next bulk buy items should be.

Ern spotted a lady with a trolley full of tinned chickpeas and tinned corn, with which we have no idea what she was going to do. She didn’t look like your usual chickpea-eating variety. Daph and Ern hypothesised that her cupboard will still be full of tinned chickpeas in a year’s time, and she and her husband will laugh and laugh as they reminisce about that time the world went mad because of coronavirus.

The only oddities Daph spotted were the lady buying sixteen tubs of cholesterol-lowering spread (maybe she knows something we don’t?), and the guy who was so obviously busting for a poo. Quickstepping it, butt clenched, looking very uncomfortable... he went straight to the toilet roll aisle, back through the self-serve checkout and out again in record time.

Ern: “Do you need panty liners?”

Daph: “No. I bought some last week.”

Ern: “Maybe you should get some more just in case.”

Daph: “There are thirty in the pack. It’ll last me four weeks. I don’t need any more.”

Ern: “I don’t know. I think you should get some in case there’s none here next week.”

Daph: “Of all the things to worry about running out of... why are you suddenly concerned about my panty liners?!”

Ern: “I’m not. I’m concerned about the ear bashing I’m gonna get from you if you run out!”

Ern proceeds to mimic Daph in an uncharacteristically high-pitched, whiney voice, “Why didn’t you force me to buy more? Now there’s none left. You should have made me buy some. Just ignore me and buy some next time.”

Daph doesn’t feel her stress incontinence is that dire just yet.

This weekend Daph and Ern will be mostly socially distancing, which isn’t hard when you’re new in town and have no friends.

Daph doesn’t know what all the whinging is about. Most people have been inadvertently socially distancing for years, choosing to stay in touch with “reality” via their mobile phones, anyway. Only now, that we’re instructed to stay away from each other, is everyone grieving the loss of face-to-face socialising. Funny that. Maybe The Universe is trying to teach us a valuable lesson.

Daph and Ern have two theories about the madness in the world right now:

1. Conspiracy theory: COVID-19 is a laboratory-constructed virus aimed at culling the ever-growing population, released by either those that want to reduce the headcount or by those that want to frame the enemy. Either way, it’s deplorable.

2. “Mother Nature has had enough” theory: The Universe is punishing humans, who could be the worst virus to ever plague this planet.

Daph likes the second theory best, though she’s not entirely convinced the virus isn’t a covert operation.

It’s been an interesting experiment in human behaviour, watching the ridiculous reactions fuelled by sensationalised “news” bulletins. The panic that ensues when we’re told we may be in isolation for fourteen days and can only buy one of everything. Jeez, people! Calm the f**k down! If my nanna was told that the World War Two rations were one of everything, she’d whip up a gourmet meal every night. There is an abundance of everything we need. If we only buy what we need.

In fact, my nanna would probably have this virus nailed, if she were still around. The old wives’ tales are the best remedies. Stock up on your fruits and veggies, drink lots of hot tea, clear your airways with steaming hot water and lemon, rest up, and wash your hands. Our immune systems are perfectly designed to handle viruses... if our immune systems are functioning optimally.

In a healthy person, the main cause of a suppressed immune system is stress! So, the fearmongering that’s going on in the media is worse for you than the virus. Social distancing is about protecting those that are already compromised... the elderly and infirm, that don’t have optimal immune systems. It’s not about you, Mr. “I NEED twelve packs of toilet rolls so I don’t have to go shopping for six months.”

Be sensible. Suck it up. Enjoy your time at home with your loved ones. Dance like no one’s watching, and sing like no one’s listening. Chill out, read that book you’ve been meaning to get to... and reflect on what’s important in your life. You only have one life. It shouldn’t take a global pandemic to open your eyes to how important it is to eat healthy, de-stress, and love this life you’ve been gifted.

***

This week has been interesting in our sleepy little town. If this town could’ve got sleepier, it just did.

The hospital has been the “Q-word”. People are finally realising that you don’t need to go to the hospital for trivial things. They are choosing to stay at home rather than risk catching something in the Emergency waiting room. But now we have to deal with abuse from disgruntled visitors that don’t understand why they can’t come in to visit their 87-year-old grandmother when they’ve travelled so far to see her.

The drive-through respiratory clinic is doing big business though. If only these people would adhere to the self-isolation recommendations whilst awaiting swab results. No. Too hard. They must pop into the supermarket on their way home to pick up more tinned tomatoes and pasta. And maybe just a few more packs of toilet rolls.

Daph: *Forehead slap, “Give me strength.”

At the hospital, we have taken to locking away our hand sanitizer, face masks and toilet roll. The minimal visitors that are allowed in seem to be entering under the guise of concern for their elderly relatives, but are actually there to do a bit of free shopping. One of Daph’s colleagues overheard a couple of ladies at the supermarket checkout, discussing the lack of toilet paper and recommending stealing it from the hospital! Despicable.