Hypothermic Vagina

Today we headed out with the guys from Ocean Safari for a spot of swimming with the dolphins and seals. It wasn’t the nicest day for it, being overcast. And the water was a chilly sixteen degrees! But we are here. And you only live once.

We donned our wetsuits and snorkels and headed out in search of marine life. We spotted a pod of about twenty dolphins showing off their new calves. Too cute. Then it was time to get in and swim with them.

Our friendly guide, Elijah, had to pop the shark deterrent in the water first. Daph did a double take when she heard the word “shark” and then...

What the hell. In we went.

Daph: “F**K!! It’s fr..fr..freeeezing!”

Daph had a hole in the crutch of her wetsuit where someone had previously tried to squeeze their too-large bottom into it. Or maybe they had blown a hole in it when they had heard the word shark. The icy water shot straight up Daph’s wazoo. Luckily, she doesn’t have a heart condition, or it could have been death by cardiac arrest secondary to hypothermic vagina for Daph.

We held on to a rope that was trailing behind the boat and got dragged through the water to attract the dolphins to swim with us. Daph isn’t the strongest of swimmers. Her upper body strength is piss-weak, so she was flailing about like a distressed fish out of water. Daph also has a fear of large bodies of water, fearing she will get stranded and drown, like Jack in Titanic. So, she held on as tight as she could to the rope, close to the buoy, in her attempt to stay afloat. But the other eight swimmers were also clambering along the rope, trying to get close to the buoys. Except for Ern.

Ern was floating along like a professional. Loving life. Daph tried to move closer to Ern so he could save her from a watery death. Ern thought Daph was tapping him to move up the rope more, and he moved further away. Daph tried conversing with Ern through her snorkel, but it’s not the best communication tool. Ern couldn’t hear and just continued on his merry way. Having a ball. Oblivious to Daph’s despair.

Guide Elijah: “Everyone okay?”

Daph gives the okay hand gesture. What?! Wait! Why? NO. SHE’S NOT OKAY!! Especially since letting go of the rope with one hand to give the okay sign! But she’s not about to let anyone know she’s a massive wussy. And then the dolphins came, and everything was worth it. Daph remembered that she was all right at snorkelling on Magnetic Island, and just stuck her face in the water and enjoyed the magic!

We hopped back in the boat and went in search of seals. Daph and Ern were suffering from serious hypothermia at this stage and just decided to watch the others from the boat. The guide tried to coerce the seals into the ocean with them. But the seals just lazily lifted their heads from their comfy place, basking on the rocks, and gave them a look as if to say, “F**k off. I’m not getting in that water. It’s f**king freezing!”

Tonight, we are sleeping in the National Park at Vivonne Bay. The bushfire devastation is evident here. But the wildlife is still around. We have wallabies out back, and a koala out front. What a wonderful day!